The fight is still on.

So I've been working out, eating right, and praying and with the combination of all things are going pretty good.  Since August, I've lost about 13 lbs....and since the beginning of the year I've lost almost 25 lbs.  So I'm hangin in there.  This thang aint easy by no means, some weeks are better than others and there are always challenges that come (Birthday party's, work events, anniversaries...etc).  So finding the balance is still a great struggle.  I'm doing better on the weekends (my downfall).  Although, I've taken some detours off the diet plan, none to the extreme...they way I think is changing..hopefully for the long term. 

So I'll be checking in randomly!

Where the EFF have I been!

Well I've been down and out and lost, but as Donnie says "We fall down but we get up
"! So I'm getting up.  I'm still tired of being fat and I'm ready to really change this thing.  I was having a conversation with a friend and we were talking about jobs and out future.  She made a statement about her job and said "I know I will never be rich, I just want to be comfortable".  I immediately became judgmental because my first thoughts were, if you want to be rich you can achieve it an why settle.  Then I started thinking about myself thinking how my mind frame like and things I've said to myself, "I'll never be skinny, I just want to get to a comfortable size".  WHY the eff not! See I am not happy with my so why am I settling or rationalizing.  Umm, because it's easier than fighting and winning.  Well the fight is still on and I will win.  It's not how you fall it's how you get up so I'm back and will keep you posted!

Mother's Day

Well this mother's day was extremely sad for me.  In general mothers day is always sad for me because I grieve the loss of my own mother. I'm always saddened by how much I miss her, how she is missing out in seeing the kind of adult I am (an my sissy's), and most of all I feel like I am in much more of position to show her how much I appreciated everything she did for me.  I understand so much more now.  Most of the times I bury and suppress these feelings because the day has to go on.  But yesterday, I was even more sad than normal.  I had a mix of feelings with missing my own mother and longing to be a mother  I started thinking about the the failed IVF's, the struggles and the constant wanting something I don't have and the uncertainty of when I will have it. No matter how hard I tried to snap out of the funk I was in, I couldn't get over it, I couldn't stop crying...just out of the blue (which is very untypical of me).   My emotions were all over the place. 

But I was reading a friends blog this morning (my IVF buddy) and she stated something that stuck with me.  She had also lost her mom and was sad yesterday but she stated "she was thankful she had her mom as long as she did".  So true, I am so thankful I had my mother as long as I did.....20 years while short lived, was a long time to have such a great person in my life. I definitely have her strength!  I also started to feel thankful for the opportunity to have been through IVF. I mean even though the efforts were failed, there are a lot of women who won't even have that opportunity because of financial constraints. I'm thankful for the hope that comes behind this.  So yet another trial and tribulation, I learned a very important lesson.....keep focused on what you do have and be thankful for it!

Dietitian!

So I broke down and went to see a dietitian.  I'm glad I went, although I've done a lot of research on the proper diet for weight loss, seeing a dietitian helped me understand how my body was working and how some things were not working in my favor because of issues beyond my control. I've understood the following:

PCOS (polysystic ovarian syndrome).  While I understood the issues behind how this affects my infertility, I never really grasped how it affected my weight loss, I knew the symptoms but just didn't really grasp it.  I mean when you've been heavy pretty much all your life you just kinda learn to deal with it and think there are not underlying issues behind it, I'm just "big boned" so I thought. I learned how my insulin levels affect the way carbs and sugars are digested and that it's gonna take some work for me to lose these lbs....but it will be done. I've learned that I pretty much need to eat like a diabetic to shed these lbs.

So here is a sample of what my meals for the days should look like...its based on 1800 calorie diet.

Breakfast
1 cup (cooked) oatmeal
1 banana
10-12 almonds
1 cup of skim milk

Lunch
Turkey Sandwich: 2 slices of whole wheat bread, 3 oz (roughly 3 to 4 slices of turkey), 1 tsp mayo, lettuce and tomato.
1 cup of veggies
1 cup of nonfat fruit

Snack:
1 hard boiled egg
6-8 whole grain crackers
1 small apple

Dinner:
4 oz baked or grilled chicken
1/2 cup brown rice
2 cups salad + 1 cup additional veggies
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 cup berries

Snack:
15 frozen grapes
10-12 almonds


THAT's a lot of food, I can't imagine how to get this all in!

FAITH!

Sooooo my faith has been tried and tested.  I was reading a blog today and a woman made a statement without "test" you would have no "testimony". I just thought that statement was really powerful. As mentioned, my faith has really been tested in tried. My husband and I decided to do our FET (frozen embryo transfer).  In preparation for this, we decided to switch things up from the first round of IVF.  Before we decided to proceed, I was doubtful if I could get hopeful and believe it was going to happen.  But surprisingly I did, I envisioned it happening and believed it would. This time we decided to keep it quiet, we didn't mention it to anyone, not family, friends, associates, anyone. I think we felt if we did things differently we would get a different result. We prayed every night and several times throughout the day, and decided during the 10 day wait for the blood test, we would test at home with a hpt which we did not do during the 1st round. So on day 5 we tested, got a blank result on 3 tests.  At this time, we felt like it was best to wait a few days and that it was too soon for results. So on day 7 of the 10 day wait, we tested again, and got a faint negative, in denial, we tested again and got a for sure negative.  As much as we tried to accept this, we couldn't.  I still believed it was incorrect and that the blood test would give us the real results.  On day 9 we did another hpt, and got yet another negative.  So as much as I was trying to accept it, I was still reluctant to accept this.  You always hear about people testing at home with negative results but going in on their blood draw and get a positive blood pregnancy test.  Well, I remember right after the doing the blood pregnancy test leaving the docs office praying really hard, so hard I was in tears.  Well I got the call later that day, and it confirmed what we were fearing.  We were not pregnant.  Initially I thought....WHY, why couldn't I get a break? What did I do wrong, I prayed, I trusted again, I invested more money that I didn't have. I even believed, so what was it.  I felt slighted. I can honestly say I was mad.  I mean I love kids absolutely positively love them.  Why can't I have one of my own? What is really the lesson in this?

Well, this isn't a post to say I'm pregnant because I am not. This isn't even a post to say I fully understand why this is happening to me.  What I can say is that, faith is a powerful thing.  While I don't have the outcome I want, I did get a lot from this test and I know it will be a strong part of my testimony.  My husband and I grew stronger together and our faith in God has grown stronger together. I am not bitter and I am at peace.  I still believe its going to happen.  To me this is powerful, that I can believe even knowing the odds are against me.  This situation could have made or broke me. But it didn't. I'm not nor was I ever depressed. I don't hate women that can get pregnant and happy for any miracle of life that someone receives.  Not only am I still involved in church, I connect more to the word of God and to the promises of his word.  I'm still learning and it is a daily struggle.  So while I don't know the outcome.  I trust that it will be wonderful. My prayer life has increased dramatically. My studies have also increased. I feel more connected to God and it's an indescribable feeling. I feel like nothing in this world can make or break me because of the faith I have in God and that is more than I could have bargained for.  So instead of focusing on what I do have I am shifting focus on what I do have and using this time to enjoy what I do have. I've even gotten over..well shall I say almost gotten over that I am still paying on this IVF with no results, which is something so hard for me to swallow, but I am getting over it, and not feeling so bad about it.  So whatever the struggle is..keep the faith!

WHATS UP?

Well, I haven't posted in a while, the reason being is nothing is up with me. I'm still trying to shed these dreaded unwanted pounds. So what I am doing? IDK living I guess, I guess I can say I feel off the bandwagon.  Not too far off my my drive and motivation is not as strong as it used to be, so I am working my way back to getting right.  I've still been working out (had a two week break but I am back now).  I've been changing my eating habits, not drastically but mainly portion control has been my biggest change and I must say I've noticed some scale victories, nothing dramatic a 1/2 lb here and there but hey I'll take it.  Which further confirms my eating is the key to my success.  In order to channel this, I've decided to go and see a dietitian/nutritionist in May.  I am also planning to amp my workouts up. I'm going to try and go harder in my boxing class and do some here and there type things.  So I'm hanging in there, just trying to stay focused.  This is my last FATT Girl summer!

Live Life to the Fullest!

Ok this is not my typical blog, this topic will not be about weight loss or fertility issues!  Today I just want to say LIVE LIFE to the FULLEST!  Everyday we get bogged down with the struggles of everyday life.  Our issues, challenges and shortcomings can tend to take over us.  Every now and then I step back and just think of all the things I have and remind myself of how thankful I am to be as blessed as I am.  Sure I have issues, but I don't want to allow those issues to completely consume my life, like I often do.  I want all of what life can give me.  Yep I'm greedy I want it all, but I have to remind myself when I don't have what I want life is still good and live it to the fullest until you can achieve having it all.  I thank God for my many blessings.  I go to sleep just about every night happy.  I wake up just about every day happy.  Not only do I wake up everyday but I wake up happy! How many people can say they do this? I have a great life and the future beholds greatness for me...so today and everyday I am going to try and remind myself to LIVE LIFE to the FULLEST!  If you read this blog today, I ask of you to not always focus on the have not...and focus on the haves!