Mother's Day

Well this mother's day was extremely sad for me.  In general mothers day is always sad for me because I grieve the loss of my own mother. I'm always saddened by how much I miss her, how she is missing out in seeing the kind of adult I am (an my sissy's), and most of all I feel like I am in much more of position to show her how much I appreciated everything she did for me.  I understand so much more now.  Most of the times I bury and suppress these feelings because the day has to go on.  But yesterday, I was even more sad than normal.  I had a mix of feelings with missing my own mother and longing to be a mother  I started thinking about the the failed IVF's, the struggles and the constant wanting something I don't have and the uncertainty of when I will have it. No matter how hard I tried to snap out of the funk I was in, I couldn't get over it, I couldn't stop crying...just out of the blue (which is very untypical of me).   My emotions were all over the place. 

But I was reading a friends blog this morning (my IVF buddy) and she stated something that stuck with me.  She had also lost her mom and was sad yesterday but she stated "she was thankful she had her mom as long as she did".  So true, I am so thankful I had my mother as long as I did.....20 years while short lived, was a long time to have such a great person in my life. I definitely have her strength!  I also started to feel thankful for the opportunity to have been through IVF. I mean even though the efforts were failed, there are a lot of women who won't even have that opportunity because of financial constraints. I'm thankful for the hope that comes behind this.  So yet another trial and tribulation, I learned a very important lesson.....keep focused on what you do have and be thankful for it!

Dietitian!

So I broke down and went to see a dietitian.  I'm glad I went, although I've done a lot of research on the proper diet for weight loss, seeing a dietitian helped me understand how my body was working and how some things were not working in my favor because of issues beyond my control. I've understood the following:

PCOS (polysystic ovarian syndrome).  While I understood the issues behind how this affects my infertility, I never really grasped how it affected my weight loss, I knew the symptoms but just didn't really grasp it.  I mean when you've been heavy pretty much all your life you just kinda learn to deal with it and think there are not underlying issues behind it, I'm just "big boned" so I thought. I learned how my insulin levels affect the way carbs and sugars are digested and that it's gonna take some work for me to lose these lbs....but it will be done. I've learned that I pretty much need to eat like a diabetic to shed these lbs.

So here is a sample of what my meals for the days should look like...its based on 1800 calorie diet.

Breakfast
1 cup (cooked) oatmeal
1 banana
10-12 almonds
1 cup of skim milk

Lunch
Turkey Sandwich: 2 slices of whole wheat bread, 3 oz (roughly 3 to 4 slices of turkey), 1 tsp mayo, lettuce and tomato.
1 cup of veggies
1 cup of nonfat fruit

Snack:
1 hard boiled egg
6-8 whole grain crackers
1 small apple

Dinner:
4 oz baked or grilled chicken
1/2 cup brown rice
2 cups salad + 1 cup additional veggies
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 cup berries

Snack:
15 frozen grapes
10-12 almonds


THAT's a lot of food, I can't imagine how to get this all in!