The fight is still on.

So I've been working out, eating right, and praying and with the combination of all things are going pretty good.  Since August, I've lost about 13 lbs....and since the beginning of the year I've lost almost 25 lbs.  So I'm hangin in there.  This thang aint easy by no means, some weeks are better than others and there are always challenges that come (Birthday party's, work events, anniversaries...etc).  So finding the balance is still a great struggle.  I'm doing better on the weekends (my downfall).  Although, I've taken some detours off the diet plan, none to the extreme...they way I think is changing..hopefully for the long term. 

So I'll be checking in randomly!

Where the EFF have I been!

Well I've been down and out and lost, but as Donnie says "We fall down but we get up
"! So I'm getting up.  I'm still tired of being fat and I'm ready to really change this thing.  I was having a conversation with a friend and we were talking about jobs and out future.  She made a statement about her job and said "I know I will never be rich, I just want to be comfortable".  I immediately became judgmental because my first thoughts were, if you want to be rich you can achieve it an why settle.  Then I started thinking about myself thinking how my mind frame like and things I've said to myself, "I'll never be skinny, I just want to get to a comfortable size".  WHY the eff not! See I am not happy with my so why am I settling or rationalizing.  Umm, because it's easier than fighting and winning.  Well the fight is still on and I will win.  It's not how you fall it's how you get up so I'm back and will keep you posted!

Mother's Day

Well this mother's day was extremely sad for me.  In general mothers day is always sad for me because I grieve the loss of my own mother. I'm always saddened by how much I miss her, how she is missing out in seeing the kind of adult I am (an my sissy's), and most of all I feel like I am in much more of position to show her how much I appreciated everything she did for me.  I understand so much more now.  Most of the times I bury and suppress these feelings because the day has to go on.  But yesterday, I was even more sad than normal.  I had a mix of feelings with missing my own mother and longing to be a mother  I started thinking about the the failed IVF's, the struggles and the constant wanting something I don't have and the uncertainty of when I will have it. No matter how hard I tried to snap out of the funk I was in, I couldn't get over it, I couldn't stop crying...just out of the blue (which is very untypical of me).   My emotions were all over the place. 

But I was reading a friends blog this morning (my IVF buddy) and she stated something that stuck with me.  She had also lost her mom and was sad yesterday but she stated "she was thankful she had her mom as long as she did".  So true, I am so thankful I had my mother as long as I did.....20 years while short lived, was a long time to have such a great person in my life. I definitely have her strength!  I also started to feel thankful for the opportunity to have been through IVF. I mean even though the efforts were failed, there are a lot of women who won't even have that opportunity because of financial constraints. I'm thankful for the hope that comes behind this.  So yet another trial and tribulation, I learned a very important lesson.....keep focused on what you do have and be thankful for it!

Dietitian!

So I broke down and went to see a dietitian.  I'm glad I went, although I've done a lot of research on the proper diet for weight loss, seeing a dietitian helped me understand how my body was working and how some things were not working in my favor because of issues beyond my control. I've understood the following:

PCOS (polysystic ovarian syndrome).  While I understood the issues behind how this affects my infertility, I never really grasped how it affected my weight loss, I knew the symptoms but just didn't really grasp it.  I mean when you've been heavy pretty much all your life you just kinda learn to deal with it and think there are not underlying issues behind it, I'm just "big boned" so I thought. I learned how my insulin levels affect the way carbs and sugars are digested and that it's gonna take some work for me to lose these lbs....but it will be done. I've learned that I pretty much need to eat like a diabetic to shed these lbs.

So here is a sample of what my meals for the days should look like...its based on 1800 calorie diet.

Breakfast
1 cup (cooked) oatmeal
1 banana
10-12 almonds
1 cup of skim milk

Lunch
Turkey Sandwich: 2 slices of whole wheat bread, 3 oz (roughly 3 to 4 slices of turkey), 1 tsp mayo, lettuce and tomato.
1 cup of veggies
1 cup of nonfat fruit

Snack:
1 hard boiled egg
6-8 whole grain crackers
1 small apple

Dinner:
4 oz baked or grilled chicken
1/2 cup brown rice
2 cups salad + 1 cup additional veggies
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 cup berries

Snack:
15 frozen grapes
10-12 almonds


THAT's a lot of food, I can't imagine how to get this all in!

FAITH!

Sooooo my faith has been tried and tested.  I was reading a blog today and a woman made a statement without "test" you would have no "testimony". I just thought that statement was really powerful. As mentioned, my faith has really been tested in tried. My husband and I decided to do our FET (frozen embryo transfer).  In preparation for this, we decided to switch things up from the first round of IVF.  Before we decided to proceed, I was doubtful if I could get hopeful and believe it was going to happen.  But surprisingly I did, I envisioned it happening and believed it would. This time we decided to keep it quiet, we didn't mention it to anyone, not family, friends, associates, anyone. I think we felt if we did things differently we would get a different result. We prayed every night and several times throughout the day, and decided during the 10 day wait for the blood test, we would test at home with a hpt which we did not do during the 1st round. So on day 5 we tested, got a blank result on 3 tests.  At this time, we felt like it was best to wait a few days and that it was too soon for results. So on day 7 of the 10 day wait, we tested again, and got a faint negative, in denial, we tested again and got a for sure negative.  As much as we tried to accept this, we couldn't.  I still believed it was incorrect and that the blood test would give us the real results.  On day 9 we did another hpt, and got yet another negative.  So as much as I was trying to accept it, I was still reluctant to accept this.  You always hear about people testing at home with negative results but going in on their blood draw and get a positive blood pregnancy test.  Well, I remember right after the doing the blood pregnancy test leaving the docs office praying really hard, so hard I was in tears.  Well I got the call later that day, and it confirmed what we were fearing.  We were not pregnant.  Initially I thought....WHY, why couldn't I get a break? What did I do wrong, I prayed, I trusted again, I invested more money that I didn't have. I even believed, so what was it.  I felt slighted. I can honestly say I was mad.  I mean I love kids absolutely positively love them.  Why can't I have one of my own? What is really the lesson in this?

Well, this isn't a post to say I'm pregnant because I am not. This isn't even a post to say I fully understand why this is happening to me.  What I can say is that, faith is a powerful thing.  While I don't have the outcome I want, I did get a lot from this test and I know it will be a strong part of my testimony.  My husband and I grew stronger together and our faith in God has grown stronger together. I am not bitter and I am at peace.  I still believe its going to happen.  To me this is powerful, that I can believe even knowing the odds are against me.  This situation could have made or broke me. But it didn't. I'm not nor was I ever depressed. I don't hate women that can get pregnant and happy for any miracle of life that someone receives.  Not only am I still involved in church, I connect more to the word of God and to the promises of his word.  I'm still learning and it is a daily struggle.  So while I don't know the outcome.  I trust that it will be wonderful. My prayer life has increased dramatically. My studies have also increased. I feel more connected to God and it's an indescribable feeling. I feel like nothing in this world can make or break me because of the faith I have in God and that is more than I could have bargained for.  So instead of focusing on what I do have I am shifting focus on what I do have and using this time to enjoy what I do have. I've even gotten over..well shall I say almost gotten over that I am still paying on this IVF with no results, which is something so hard for me to swallow, but I am getting over it, and not feeling so bad about it.  So whatever the struggle is..keep the faith!

WHATS UP?

Well, I haven't posted in a while, the reason being is nothing is up with me. I'm still trying to shed these dreaded unwanted pounds. So what I am doing? IDK living I guess, I guess I can say I feel off the bandwagon.  Not too far off my my drive and motivation is not as strong as it used to be, so I am working my way back to getting right.  I've still been working out (had a two week break but I am back now).  I've been changing my eating habits, not drastically but mainly portion control has been my biggest change and I must say I've noticed some scale victories, nothing dramatic a 1/2 lb here and there but hey I'll take it.  Which further confirms my eating is the key to my success.  In order to channel this, I've decided to go and see a dietitian/nutritionist in May.  I am also planning to amp my workouts up. I'm going to try and go harder in my boxing class and do some here and there type things.  So I'm hanging in there, just trying to stay focused.  This is my last FATT Girl summer!

Live Life to the Fullest!

Ok this is not my typical blog, this topic will not be about weight loss or fertility issues!  Today I just want to say LIVE LIFE to the FULLEST!  Everyday we get bogged down with the struggles of everyday life.  Our issues, challenges and shortcomings can tend to take over us.  Every now and then I step back and just think of all the things I have and remind myself of how thankful I am to be as blessed as I am.  Sure I have issues, but I don't want to allow those issues to completely consume my life, like I often do.  I want all of what life can give me.  Yep I'm greedy I want it all, but I have to remind myself when I don't have what I want life is still good and live it to the fullest until you can achieve having it all.  I thank God for my many blessings.  I go to sleep just about every night happy.  I wake up just about every day happy.  Not only do I wake up everyday but I wake up happy! How many people can say they do this? I have a great life and the future beholds greatness for me...so today and everyday I am going to try and remind myself to LIVE LIFE to the FULLEST!  If you read this blog today, I ask of you to not always focus on the have not...and focus on the haves!

2 Months

So it’s the 2 month weigh in from where I originally started. It's not good.  I actually gained 2 lbs. I would like to say WTF? But I can't honestly say that, because I know WTF happened. It was me, schedules changing, weekend eating killing me, the list of excuses can go on and on, but I'm not even gonna go there. I sabotaged myself at that's it.  This month was a wash for me, but not totally.  I learned a lot about myself and focused on things that I hadn’t before, now it's time to get back on gear. So here is what I learned that I will focus on this week.

·         EAT Got dam#%&. I need to eat more but better choices. Breakfast is a must and small snacks are important.

·         Portion control. Contrary to what my mama told me, I do not have to eat everything that's on my plate.  Really sometime, less is more. 

·         Weekends to count.  I gotta buckle up on the weekends.  Monday-Sunday shouldn't be much different.  This is a mental thing I need to get grasp on. 

So keep me accountable guys. This month MARCH, this is what I will be working on. 

I WILL NOT, CAN NOT, SHALL NOT, and REFUSE TO BE DEFEATED!

Non-scale victories

So many times I am hard on myself and jeopardize my success because I can never give myself a pat on the back, and even when people tell me I look like I lost weight, my response is usually something like this "Nope, not at all the scale says...xxx so that means I am not dropping", and what I am really thinking is yeah right, people just say that because they know how hard I work out, or I am with someone who has actually been losing weight and so they just have to add me into the comment so I don't feel bad.  And is this true, maybe? Who knows. I was watching Oprah's next chapter and it was a Tony Robbins special. He was talking about perspective and the way we chose to look at things and how we use our circumstances to hold us back/make us great.  Here is an example he used: A boy was given up at birth and moved from family to family, and he stated that he was not wanted because he was thrown away, he was later adopted and he said that same statement to his adoptive parents that he wasn't wanted, and his adoptive parents said, contrary to your belief you were extremely wanted and we waited on you.  It was so profound to me, he then asked the audience which one of those statements were true? He answered, whichever one you want it to be.  You see, the next time someone tells me I look like I'm dropping the lbs. I'm just gonna say "Thank you" and not over analyze where its coming from. 

I am also going to recognize the non scale victories.  So is the scale getting smaller, ummm...nope not at all.  But I am starting to see changes.  Last week I had to rush into the office and I just threw on some pants that I hadn't worn in a while, well if I recall correctly the last time I wore those pants the were fitting a little tight and when I put them on last week they were much looser.  I am also getting stronger on my workouts.  I am doing more push ups and lasting longer on rounds. So this is a good thing (as I am typing this my mind is saying...I'm still no pro and have a lot of work to go).  I have to stop down playing success, because success is what we make it.  No I am no where close to my overall goal, but yes I am making changes in my life. I can see the changes and I am pleased with them.  Small changes can lead to great success. So I am going to work hard to recognize all victories, both scale and non scale ones.

Struggling

Ok so I am struggling with my eating.  Weekends and portions are killing me! Friday evening through Sunday I just don't do right.  Friday I usually have a not so great dinner.  Saturday I usually have one big meal or two bad meals.  Sunday it's always one meal I don't always do so bad with what I am eating but I don't eat frequent enough.  I gotta get it together.  These are the things I need to work on:

1. Portions- why oh why do I have to eat everything on my plate.  I need to start practicing the golden rules. (Divide the portions from the beginning, Share meals, etc.)
 

2. Weekends count too- I know this, and I know it's not gonna change over night. So I am going to start with small changes. 

• Friday- Eat a well balanced dinner 500-700 cals.
• Saturday- Eat 3 meals...continue with the smoothies (they work well for me), and a balanced lunch and possibly splurge for dinner.
• Sunday- Same thing as Sat. However, I will have a piece of fruit for breakfast and a light lunch.

 I have to get it together, I can't fall off the wagon, not this time.

Baby Wishes

So I haven't posted in a while about my baby wishes and where I am in the process.  Well the truth is, I am terrified.  I don't want to be and I know I should be trusting in God more but I am still scared. I am scared of the negative results, I am scared of the money its gonna cost to try again, the money it's costing right now and where it's coming from and most of all I am scared that it won't happen with the frozem embryo transfer or that we keep having to do IVF. Deep down I know that God won't allow that to happen but on the surface, it's hard to cope with and I know He will only give you what you can bear but I am not doing as well as I would like.

I was reading the daily word yesterday and it was talking about stop trying to fix everything yourself.  I felt like was speaking to me.  This is what I try to do; fix things. I've done some crazy things in hopes of "fixing" my infertility issues.  Besides planning on my ovulation dates, I've even done things like taking Chinese herbs, eating pineapple cores and the list goes on and on. I don't like the feeling of desperation.  However I can't accept that it won't happen.  So I know I need to strengthen my faith and trust God's will more and more. It's coming and I can feel myself growing which is good but I don't have warm and fuzzies about the whole baby thing yet, not fully.

A+ Results

So I was talking to my sissy a few days ago, who was discouraged about her weight loss journey.  The more I was talking to her the more I felt like I was listening to myself.  She was telling me that she was discouraged because she's been making more of an effort than she has ever made towards weight loss.  She started working out more, and eating better but her results have been slow or reversed. Then she said the sentence that I live to say "I mean my eating hasn't been perfect but I expected better results".  This is what I always say "My eating isn't perfect but........".

See why do I expect A+ results when I am giving B- or C work.  I know I am not perfect and this thang (journey) is hard, but why am I so hard on myself when I don't drop these lbs. like I want.  I mean the saying has been true for years "You get out what you put in". So I have to make a choice to either give A+ work or not be so hard on myself when I get B results. I think I will do a combo of both.  I'll try to give it my all and when I don't I won't beat myself up about it. I'll just pick up and move on to the next A+ week.

19 Months-Statistics

So I am a little over 5'10 tall  (not quite 5"11 but close) and statistics say that an average healthy person my height weighs around 160-180 lbs.  Statistics also says that an average healthy weight loss is 1-2 lbs a week. So doing the math it is going to roughly take 10-19 months (I am aiming for 19 months) to get to the healthy weight of 180. So as much as I've tried to get away from goal setting, I believe that this is a realistic and achievable goal and timeframe. So I have about 19 months to get myself together, whether I get pregnant or not I am dropping these pounds. No magic, no crazy diets, no extra workouts just the basics. Eat healthy, less processed foods, more veggies and fruits, minimum fried foods, and exercising 3-5 days a week....just the BASICS!

Imma do this!

So lets get the clock to ticking.

4 Weeks

So it's been exactly 4 weeks since I started my blog and decided to get my life back on track.  4 weeks ago I weighed 264.4.  Today I weighed in at 258.  So I am trying to process how I feel about the 6.4 lb weight loss.  Even though I told myself I wouldn't make any goals my mind really didn't allow that. So I told myself it would be nice to lose at least 10 lbs a month.  Why do I do this to myself. I sabotage myself even when I set out to have realistic goals.  So enough with the madness!

Average healthy weight loss is 1-2 lbs a week (translation..4-8 lbs a month)...so I ended up somewhere in the middle.  So I am happy about this.  I am doing something, still juicing and having my morning smoothies.  Dinner is good Sunday-Thurs.  So there are improvements to be made, however I'll take what I can get as long as its realistic.

Usually this is the stage I get discouraged, and feel like it's never gonna happen.  Why do I need these quick results, it took me 4 years to get a degree, 2 more to get a higher degree, 5 years to get married, 5 years to get to a comfortable pay, 5 years to pay off my car, and its taking me forever to get pregnant.  It seems like the best rewards or end results take time, so why the heck am I gonna try to rush this.  I have a friend who's been on the weight lose trail (see Determined to Lose) for 3 years, so again why do I think Imma be skinny that fast.  Enough with the unrealistic expectations.  If statistics prove healthy weight loss is 1-2 pounds who am I to go against that, I'm not supernatural.  So I end this with.  Wahoo, Hahah, Yeah baby.  I'm dropping these pounds, and I'm feeling good about it!

True Fat Girl Moment and Revelation

So yesterday I had to attend an all day meeting, which threw me off  my schedule. Because I work from home, I didn't prepare my normal smoothie for breakfast or juice for lunch.  So late morning needless to say I was starving.  So on the break I went to the snackshop and picked up my favorite snack (Gardetto's special request rye chips) which in my first thought wasn't too bad of a snack (it wasn't chips or cookies).   When I got back up to my meeting, I looked at another person who also skinny challenged (nice way to say fat), and her desk and snack was the exact same as mine.  Right then it dawned on me.  Why the heck did I chose that option? Why the heck didn't I chose something better for myself, instead I chose something that was good too me not good for me.  This is the mind of a fat girl.  I didn't plan accordingly and as soon as I got outside my routine I went buck wild! I gotta make better choices, I use every opportunity I can to eat outside of what I should be eating. So I put the rye chips down and said no more madness.  I looked at all the small people in the meeting and they didn't have a snack like mine, there was an apple, a cheese slice, nothing like my rye chips.  I gotta do better, I have to start thinking like a small person if I ever want to be a small person.

I have to be accountable for myself, my actions and choices.  If I don't do right, how am I going to expect great results. Please! So while this is a rough jouney day by day I am learning more and more, and although the pounds are dropping off my mind is getting stronger.

Saying Goodbye!

More than a conqueror!

So this week has been full of up and downs, I felt like I was riding on a roller coaster.  Usually I am pretty level grounded, I know what I want and usually I have my mind made up to achieve it and when I don't achieve I know why and can usually make some kind of peace of sense of it.  So why has this week been so different?!?! All week, I've been praying, reading, studying and on the flip side I've been obsessing, doubting and trying to wrap my mind on my shortcomings.  Talk about an oxymoron.  Every day this week something seemed to be revealed to me. Then as I read Friday's daily word which was discussing building up your faith it had started to dawn on me.  There was this one statement that spoke to me like a revelation.."To be a conqueror means to fight a battle and win..to be more than a conqueror means to win a battle without even fighting".  Isn't that something!?Then today's sermon hit even more close to home. Pastor spoke on "strongholds"...he defined it as something that holds you captive, a mindset that things don't change. He went on to talk about how we think we have control over things and wonder why they don't work out.  It all started to make sense, although it sounds like something really simple it was quite profound for me and where I am.   I am holding myself back.  I am trying to fight a battle that's not meant for me to fight, I hadn't released it all to God! Why am I trying to fight this battle when I can release it all to him?!?!?

It's strange how  the flesh mindset works, how if I am at work and get into situation that is "outside of my pay level" (so I call it), how easy it is  and how quickly I escalate the issue to my manager.  But in my personal life I have these issues (baby and weight), issues that are "outside of my pay level", so why am I not escalating them up to the ONLY one who can take care of them? huh? Makes no sense. 

So I am giving it all to God.  Now don't get me wrong or confuse me here.  There are some issues with my weight that I can control, but when I've done all I can do and still don't get the satisfaction I want that's when I am give it all to God.  I'm too hard on myself, creating problems for myself that are beyond my control. Stressing...what's that all about? And as for the baby....I'm giving that all to God as well, along everything else that comes along with it (bills, stress, debt, pain, disappointments).  I'm tired of fighting and that's because this battle is not mine to be fighting, I'm standing on God's promises and today I am more than a conqueror...I'll win the battle without even fighting!

Just Not Feeling It!

Man today is definitely one of those days.  I just aint feeling it.  Went to work out today and I gave it all of 50% (that might even be a stretch). I'm just tired...tired of thinking about weight loss, tired of obsessing over it. I don't want to calculate caloric intake, track calories burned, worry about what I'm eating....NOTHING! I just don't feel it. I'm tired of this topic consuming my life, my thoughts and my actions. If I'm not thinking about weight loss, I'm thinking about getting pregnant. I NEED A VACATION from my thoughts! HELP!!!  There is a difference in striving for more and being obsessed and I'm definitely obsessed and tired of being that way.  Ultimately, I just want to be healthy.  Why is it so da$# hard!?!

Gotta get it together........

Dealing with dissapointment in IVF

So for the most part I've gotten over the fact that we didn't get pregnant.  Now we are at the stage on what to do next. When we had a post consult with the doc., he informed us that we would go through a series of blood testing to see if anything came up with the reason we lost our embryos (such as genetic factor, killer antibodies cells, etc.). Well my blood work is back and nothing came from it, well nothing that contributed to the miscarriage (so they called it).  How frustrating is that? So now we decide to use our last embryo and pray for the best. It is so scary. I have so many mixed feelings. I mean I really, really want a baby, however I don't want to make any unreasonable financial decisions.   But the money that is going into this is scary, plus this is money that we don't really have.  This has really been a test of faith.  Even though I am scared and anxious.  I don't understand fully, but I am trusting God.

The more days go by the more I understand that this is not really about my infertility issues.  This is about my faith.  I need to learn to trust God through all my decisions, through every facet of life.  I have learn to be ok with what I can't control and trust that God will deliver on His promises.  So while I am not 100% there, I am praying and believing and learning more and more to trust God.  Thank You for this revelation. 

To Weigh in or Not to Weigh in!

So last Friday I got on the scale....my oh my oh my.  I was back up! Da%$mit! So so so so mad.  I mean what was I doing wrong?  I'd hadn't slacked off in my workouts, I hadn't slacked off with my eating so where did I go wrong?  I mean...I didn't expect to lose but to gain? Really forreal? Talk about discouraging.  I was crushed, didn't know what to do, I'm making all these lifestyle changes and not getting the results I want to get.  I then realized, that I had become addicted to the scale and more obsessed with weight loss than I'd been in the past (I've always been a little obsessed with weight loss). Why am I losing it like this?  Why am I weighing in 500 times a day?  Totally ridiculous!

So where do I go from here? Well I know I need to weigh in less, now what that looks like I don't know.  During my friends weight loss journey at some point she stopped weighing in so frequently. I need to figure something out, because I can't lose my head in this thing and when I saw the scale go back up, I almost lost my head. I'm going to plan a weigh in schedule an only weigh in on those dates, I am going to pack up my scale and make it inconvenient to get to so I won't want to weigh in every 5 mins.

Man, I tell you....this game is not a fun one at all!

Backup Plan

Today we had our first offical snow day.  Now it didn't snow bad but it was bitterly cold outside, which made me not really wanna get out and get to my boxing class, plus my workout buddy worked from home today and didn't plan on driving that far to go to Title, so my motivation was even lower to go.  In the past I would have chalked this up as a rest day. But today something in me was different today.  I started to lay down and flip through channels  and chill out, but all of a sudden I had the urge to get up and do something.  If my treadmill was there I would have just gone and ran which would have been an easy out (not the workout, just the availability). So I had to do something, I was determined to get some kind of workout in.  Thank God for On Demand! I ended up doing a 60 min cardio workout that was really challenging (mountain climbers, superman, bear crawls, boxing) and I ended up doing a 10 min ab workout. 

You have to have a backup plan and you have to be able to be flexible, which is so hard for me.  I am a classic routine person, and when I get out of my routine sometimes I don't know how to act. I usually chose the easy out which is doing nothing and resting and being lazy.  So day by day I am learning, growing and getting stronger.  The devil is a lie...I am standing on His promise!

Stop the Madness!?!!

So yesterday I had a true fatt girl moment.  I was on the way into the office and heard on the radio that McDonalds has their Sausage McGriddle for $1, then I get into the office and two separate managers brought in Lamar's and Krispy Creme donuts. See the fatt girl in me was thinking...dang why is it when I try to be good I always have temptations to be so bad. Wouldn't that be the perfect world without temptations? hahahah! I sooooo wish.

Well it got me to thinking, temptations, temptations, it's what makes or breaks us. I won't let temptations get in my way of my success.  So I said, heck no to that donut and I even temp to get one of those oohhweey delicious sweet sausage McGriddles (hahahaha...fatt girl description). It's just like a a budget, I will plan and schedule when I can splurge in order to stay out of debt.  It's about getting your head right and in the game and once I completely accomplish this I will achieve the overall success and reach my weight loss goals.

Detox Over

So the detox is over.  I did it for 4.5 days....after the detox I weighed in at 257.4 which is a whooping 7 lbs, however I weighed in this morning and I am up to 259 so I lost about 5 lbs.  Am I sad about it?  Heck YEAH! I can't lie to myself even though I know the rules you still never wanna see the scale go back up.  The first rule is why the heck do I weigh in everyday....even though I know I shouldn't.  Second rule of the detox is you will gain some of the weight back because you were on a liquid diet, so some of that is just water weight.  However when I went back into eating foods again, I could have been better and that's where the sadness and disappointment comes from.  I want a perfect diet...why can't I do it? Why do I have all these unrealistic expectations for myself or is it really unrealistic? IDK...I'm so confused. 

Why is weight loss so dang hard? I mean it's probably the hardest thing I've tried to accomplish and heck not toot my own horn but I've accomplished some pretty amazing things (toot...toot)! Can't get this weight loss thing together.  But I am not giving up, I won't be defeated no matter how long it takes.  I am not letting anything get in the way this time (anything is usually myself).

So this week I'm still eating right.....and I have to remember that weekends count too.  That's when I jeopardize myself. I might allow myself a free meal on the weekends or a free day, because when I try to be perfect I fail.  So I need to have some flexibility in order to succeed. 

Just one of them days!?!?

Have you ever had one of those "why" days? You know, one of days where you question the things that are beyond your control, things you can't change, or things that you can change that you haven't.  Well today is one of those days for me, I don't have these days to often, because I can't allow myself to have pity or feel sorry for myself, besides like my husband always says "I'm much to blessed, to focus on the "why's and why nots". I hate when he's right but he is and that's why I don't allow myself to have too many of these days.  But today is just one of those days.  I just feel sad today for many reasons. Firstly, my IVF buddy confirmed that her twins didn't make it. It just so sad....somehow a small part of me was living through her, so I feel her pain in more ways than one. Not only am I super sad for her lost, I want to believe in a miracle.  I know I have to have faith, and I do but someday’s are  just flat out hard.  That's where the why comes in...WHY can't I get prego like normal people, why didn't my first round of IVF work? Will I ever have my baby? I know.....I know....I will...but like I said it's one of those days?!

Secondly, I'm tired of being fat and I know what's needed to not be fat but again...dang it's so hard. Again here comes the why......WHY don't I have better genes, eating habits, or a healthier lifestyle?  Why do I have to work so hard to be thin...heck I'll even take slightly overweight.  Yep, it's just one of those days. So how do I deal with these days, the only way I know how....PRAYER and FAITH.  I have to believe that with God all things are possible.  I have to pray when I feel weak, and today I feel weak. I have to dig back in the deep spot and have that Faith in the unknown and unseen that God will stand on his promise. I also have to listen to my hubby who always turns the bad situations into a positive one.  If I asked him my "why questions", he would come back with something totally opposite for instance:

• Why can't I get prego normally, and he would probably say "why would you want to be normal, special people aren't regular normal people"
• Why do I have to work so hard to lose weight, and he would say "anything worth having is worth working for"

So I'm giving myself the evening to get out of my funk, because I am so blessed and although there are things I don't have there are so many more things that I do!

Day 3 of Juice Detox!

So far so good, which I can't believe I am saying this.  I didn't set a day limit for this juice detox (afraid of failing), because I didn't want to set myself up.  But today is the third day and food wise it's been pretty good, now workout wise has been really tough. I've been doing it but it's harder than it has been.  It like it takes months to get in shape but only a few weeks to get out of shape.  I hope my title boxing gets back up to speed soon, because yesterday I felt so defeated, every exercise seemed 10x harder than before. Today I am going running (I hope)....so..so...scared of where I am.  I am starting over on the C25K, I've only completed up until week 6 so I am hoping to start fresh and complete the entire 9 weeks.

 Here's what I've been eating so far:

Smoothie in the AM consists of: frozen non sweetened berries, banana, fresh squeezed orange juice, nonfat plain Greek yogurt (this is so good, it's almost sinful)

Juice for lunch and dinner: consists of romaine lettuce, spinach, zucchini, cucumber, celery, carrots, tomato, orange, apple (green and gala) and a pear

Snack: I eat almonds for a snack to boost up my protein.

I would really like to make it through the weekend and start practical next week. We shall see!

The ups and downs of IVF

While I was going through my IVF process, I met two of the most inspiring women that were going through IVF during the same cycle.  We met at one of our many millions of doctor’s appointments, and started to build a support group. What I didn't realize is how much these women would be my inspiration and how fond I would become of them. Both of them got pregnant during the first round of IVF, which initially was motivation when I didn't get pregnant. However these women felt my pain even though they got the best news they were looking for, they were checking up for me and praying for me and felt the pain I felt,  and while I was saddened by my results I was overjoyed by theirs.  There are so many things that can happen during early pregnancy, and in many situations these things occur naturally and the mother would never know because they don’t find out until 6 or 8 weeks,  but because you are undergoing IVF, you typically test early (10 days after transfer) and often so the doctors can have more hands on along the way.  One of my IVF buddies is now going through the dreaded phase of ups and downs. Her HCG wasn't rising as it was supposed to and in her first ultrasound, the doctor’s thought she would eventually have an unviable pregnancy.  However on her second ultrasound her babies (twins) were growing.  Although she wasn't out of the risk zone, things were looking up and there was still hope.  Yesterday she got a call to say her HCG numbers were dropping. Today she goes for an ultrasound.  I am so scared for her and yet still hopeful.

See every since I got my BFN (big fat negative), I've experienced happiness and peace, the kind I didn't think I was going to be able to have once I didn't get pregnant.  When I first heard the news, I thought I was going to be one of those people who couldn’t look at a baby without breaking out in a dramatic cry or maybe be bitter and jealous about people who are pregnant, I don’t know…but I knew it wouldn’t be good.   But God got my out of that dump, because he knows that's not my character and that I would never want to be that way.  If God can pull me up and out of the dumps, then I know he can save my friends’ pregnancy, and if he doesn't save her pregnancy, he can give her the peace that she will need to move on to the next phase in life.

It's hard though, I won't lie...I have to keep trusting and believing and when things look down and things look a little harder, I have to go deep, trust a little harder and believe a little more. I pray for my friends as this is one milestone that I never thought I'd be at, but learning to take the blessings of all situations, which is such a rewarding feeling.

Day 1-Getting it together

So I did it.....weighed in this morning and surprisingly I am back to my highest weight of my life. 264.4 (highest 4 years ago at 265) WTF!  I was here before then decided I would do something about it.  I lost about 30 lbs.  Now it's time to do something about it for good.  I'm amped up and motivated no need to discuss or reflect how I got back here, just need to move forward.  Now I know I said I wasn't going to do anything drastic but this week I feel like I need a jump start, a weight loss boost.  So I am going to do a juice detox for a few days (until I can't stand it anymore). I want to release the toxins and get my body back to the levels it needs to be then next I am starting with my simplistic routine. I am ready

It's 2012, a new start.

Well as a new year starts, it's time for me to start my new year’s goals and every year one goal never gets achieved and that goal is.....WEIGHT LOSS! I decided to start a blog about my journey to my weight loss and my journey as well as my journey to getting pregnant.  Reading blogs have always motivated me, so I thought it was time for me to write my story instead of just reading them, who knows maybe I can be an inspiration to someone, as so many people have been to me.

Here's some background history:

Weight:

I am 30 years old and have struggled with obesity pretty much all my adult life.  I started gaining weight late in college (maybe my junior year).  It's a typical story, worked two jobs while in school which lead to terrible eating habits and poor exercise routines.  I've been on this journey for a while. Losing some weight here and there but never achieving my true weight loss goals.  I've tried about a million types of diets and workout routines.  I don't really have an issue working out, I attend title boxing anywhere from 3-4 days a week and used to run about 3 days a week (slacked off but getting back on track now). So what's the real problem...well it's my eating.  I don't have terrible habits but I don't have great ones.  I don't eat often enough (maybe twice a day) and when I do eat I don't always chose the healthiest options...so maybe I do have terrible eating habits. 

Conception:

I have been married for three years now and about 5 years ago I was told diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Sydrome) which would make it hard for me to conceive naturally.  I’ve been with my husband for 8 years and was only on birth control for 2 of those years so I knew some kind of issue existed, however because we weren’t really ready to have kids we just put off looking into for a while. Then a couple of years ago, I also found out that in addition to my female issues we also have male issues as well, therefore our chances for conceiving naturally would be about 5%.  So in October 2011 we started with our first round of IVF (Invitro Fertilization).  In December of 2011 we found out we were not pregnant.  Devastated we were but, we truly believe that God will make this happen for us.

So given that information, these two journeys’ I believe are solely faith based journeys because they are out of my hands.  I know people would beg to differ that the weight loss can be controlled by me; however I don't see it that way.  I've tried and struggled and have had too many failed efforts, thus this had led me to conclude that I need to trust in God, because He said He will give me the desires of my heart and when I can't do it on my own , I need to be led by faith.

So I am starting this year off like most people, making goals for myself:

1. Lose weight! Plain and simple....I've made goals in the past requiring pounds lost and non-scale victories.  This is something I will not do this year.  I plan to tackle this goal in the most simplistic form. Eating right and working out. So here is what I am thinking:

• Reduce eating out to once a week-no fast food at all
• Eat a fruit or veggie with every meal
• Eat at least two snacks a day (only fruit or veggie)
• Attend Title boxing 3-4 times a week
• Run 3-4 times a week (start C25K over and fully run my first 5K)

2. Work towards getting pregnant. In order to do this I need to do the following:

• Pay off all bills associated with last round of IVF
• I have one frozen embryo so be proactive about starting the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer)
• Plan for another round of IVF (if the FET doesn’t work)

3. Prayer/Christianity walk.  I want to increase my praying and continue to build a strong relationship with God.  I plan to do the following:

• Pray at least twice a day
• Read at least one bible verse a day and study everyday
• Increase my ministry work and involve myself in other church activities besides choir

4. Build/Retain closer family relationships/friendships. The older I get the more important family relationships and friendships become to me.  I have a pretty small family with complex background issues (which I'm sure is pretty average) and I am distant with so many family members and friends.  I plan do the following to build better relationships:

• Call my close family members at least once every other week. (My grandma and father)
• Attend more family gatherings
• Host more family gatherings

Last year a couple of my friends and I looked into our goals quarterly, we started out strong but fell off towards the end, I plan to review my goals quarterly to track for progress.

So let’s get started in 2012! Every year I make a motto, this year’s motto is “Cashing it in, standing on His Promise”!