FAITH!

Sooooo my faith has been tried and tested.  I was reading a blog today and a woman made a statement without "test" you would have no "testimony". I just thought that statement was really powerful. As mentioned, my faith has really been tested in tried. My husband and I decided to do our FET (frozen embryo transfer).  In preparation for this, we decided to switch things up from the first round of IVF.  Before we decided to proceed, I was doubtful if I could get hopeful and believe it was going to happen.  But surprisingly I did, I envisioned it happening and believed it would. This time we decided to keep it quiet, we didn't mention it to anyone, not family, friends, associates, anyone. I think we felt if we did things differently we would get a different result. We prayed every night and several times throughout the day, and decided during the 10 day wait for the blood test, we would test at home with a hpt which we did not do during the 1st round. So on day 5 we tested, got a blank result on 3 tests.  At this time, we felt like it was best to wait a few days and that it was too soon for results. So on day 7 of the 10 day wait, we tested again, and got a faint negative, in denial, we tested again and got a for sure negative.  As much as we tried to accept this, we couldn't.  I still believed it was incorrect and that the blood test would give us the real results.  On day 9 we did another hpt, and got yet another negative.  So as much as I was trying to accept it, I was still reluctant to accept this.  You always hear about people testing at home with negative results but going in on their blood draw and get a positive blood pregnancy test.  Well, I remember right after the doing the blood pregnancy test leaving the docs office praying really hard, so hard I was in tears.  Well I got the call later that day, and it confirmed what we were fearing.  We were not pregnant.  Initially I thought....WHY, why couldn't I get a break? What did I do wrong, I prayed, I trusted again, I invested more money that I didn't have. I even believed, so what was it.  I felt slighted. I can honestly say I was mad.  I mean I love kids absolutely positively love them.  Why can't I have one of my own? What is really the lesson in this?

Well, this isn't a post to say I'm pregnant because I am not. This isn't even a post to say I fully understand why this is happening to me.  What I can say is that, faith is a powerful thing.  While I don't have the outcome I want, I did get a lot from this test and I know it will be a strong part of my testimony.  My husband and I grew stronger together and our faith in God has grown stronger together. I am not bitter and I am at peace.  I still believe its going to happen.  To me this is powerful, that I can believe even knowing the odds are against me.  This situation could have made or broke me. But it didn't. I'm not nor was I ever depressed. I don't hate women that can get pregnant and happy for any miracle of life that someone receives.  Not only am I still involved in church, I connect more to the word of God and to the promises of his word.  I'm still learning and it is a daily struggle.  So while I don't know the outcome.  I trust that it will be wonderful. My prayer life has increased dramatically. My studies have also increased. I feel more connected to God and it's an indescribable feeling. I feel like nothing in this world can make or break me because of the faith I have in God and that is more than I could have bargained for.  So instead of focusing on what I do have I am shifting focus on what I do have and using this time to enjoy what I do have. I've even gotten over..well shall I say almost gotten over that I am still paying on this IVF with no results, which is something so hard for me to swallow, but I am getting over it, and not feeling so bad about it.  So whatever the struggle is..keep the faith!