FAITH!

Sooooo my faith has been tried and tested.  I was reading a blog today and a woman made a statement without "test" you would have no "testimony". I just thought that statement was really powerful. As mentioned, my faith has really been tested in tried. My husband and I decided to do our FET (frozen embryo transfer).  In preparation for this, we decided to switch things up from the first round of IVF.  Before we decided to proceed, I was doubtful if I could get hopeful and believe it was going to happen.  But surprisingly I did, I envisioned it happening and believed it would. This time we decided to keep it quiet, we didn't mention it to anyone, not family, friends, associates, anyone. I think we felt if we did things differently we would get a different result. We prayed every night and several times throughout the day, and decided during the 10 day wait for the blood test, we would test at home with a hpt which we did not do during the 1st round. So on day 5 we tested, got a blank result on 3 tests.  At this time, we felt like it was best to wait a few days and that it was too soon for results. So on day 7 of the 10 day wait, we tested again, and got a faint negative, in denial, we tested again and got a for sure negative.  As much as we tried to accept this, we couldn't.  I still believed it was incorrect and that the blood test would give us the real results.  On day 9 we did another hpt, and got yet another negative.  So as much as I was trying to accept it, I was still reluctant to accept this.  You always hear about people testing at home with negative results but going in on their blood draw and get a positive blood pregnancy test.  Well, I remember right after the doing the blood pregnancy test leaving the docs office praying really hard, so hard I was in tears.  Well I got the call later that day, and it confirmed what we were fearing.  We were not pregnant.  Initially I thought....WHY, why couldn't I get a break? What did I do wrong, I prayed, I trusted again, I invested more money that I didn't have. I even believed, so what was it.  I felt slighted. I can honestly say I was mad.  I mean I love kids absolutely positively love them.  Why can't I have one of my own? What is really the lesson in this?

Well, this isn't a post to say I'm pregnant because I am not. This isn't even a post to say I fully understand why this is happening to me.  What I can say is that, faith is a powerful thing.  While I don't have the outcome I want, I did get a lot from this test and I know it will be a strong part of my testimony.  My husband and I grew stronger together and our faith in God has grown stronger together. I am not bitter and I am at peace.  I still believe its going to happen.  To me this is powerful, that I can believe even knowing the odds are against me.  This situation could have made or broke me. But it didn't. I'm not nor was I ever depressed. I don't hate women that can get pregnant and happy for any miracle of life that someone receives.  Not only am I still involved in church, I connect more to the word of God and to the promises of his word.  I'm still learning and it is a daily struggle.  So while I don't know the outcome.  I trust that it will be wonderful. My prayer life has increased dramatically. My studies have also increased. I feel more connected to God and it's an indescribable feeling. I feel like nothing in this world can make or break me because of the faith I have in God and that is more than I could have bargained for.  So instead of focusing on what I do have I am shifting focus on what I do have and using this time to enjoy what I do have. I've even gotten over..well shall I say almost gotten over that I am still paying on this IVF with no results, which is something so hard for me to swallow, but I am getting over it, and not feeling so bad about it.  So whatever the struggle is..keep the faith!

WHATS UP?

Well, I haven't posted in a while, the reason being is nothing is up with me. I'm still trying to shed these dreaded unwanted pounds. So what I am doing? IDK living I guess, I guess I can say I feel off the bandwagon.  Not too far off my my drive and motivation is not as strong as it used to be, so I am working my way back to getting right.  I've still been working out (had a two week break but I am back now).  I've been changing my eating habits, not drastically but mainly portion control has been my biggest change and I must say I've noticed some scale victories, nothing dramatic a 1/2 lb here and there but hey I'll take it.  Which further confirms my eating is the key to my success.  In order to channel this, I've decided to go and see a dietitian/nutritionist in May.  I am also planning to amp my workouts up. I'm going to try and go harder in my boxing class and do some here and there type things.  So I'm hanging in there, just trying to stay focused.  This is my last FATT Girl summer!