4 Weeks

So it's been exactly 4 weeks since I started my blog and decided to get my life back on track.  4 weeks ago I weighed 264.4.  Today I weighed in at 258.  So I am trying to process how I feel about the 6.4 lb weight loss.  Even though I told myself I wouldn't make any goals my mind really didn't allow that. So I told myself it would be nice to lose at least 10 lbs a month.  Why do I do this to myself. I sabotage myself even when I set out to have realistic goals.  So enough with the madness!

Average healthy weight loss is 1-2 lbs a week (translation..4-8 lbs a month)...so I ended up somewhere in the middle.  So I am happy about this.  I am doing something, still juicing and having my morning smoothies.  Dinner is good Sunday-Thurs.  So there are improvements to be made, however I'll take what I can get as long as its realistic.

Usually this is the stage I get discouraged, and feel like it's never gonna happen.  Why do I need these quick results, it took me 4 years to get a degree, 2 more to get a higher degree, 5 years to get married, 5 years to get to a comfortable pay, 5 years to pay off my car, and its taking me forever to get pregnant.  It seems like the best rewards or end results take time, so why the heck am I gonna try to rush this.  I have a friend who's been on the weight lose trail (see Determined to Lose) for 3 years, so again why do I think Imma be skinny that fast.  Enough with the unrealistic expectations.  If statistics prove healthy weight loss is 1-2 pounds who am I to go against that, I'm not supernatural.  So I end this with.  Wahoo, Hahah, Yeah baby.  I'm dropping these pounds, and I'm feeling good about it!

True Fat Girl Moment and Revelation

So yesterday I had to attend an all day meeting, which threw me off  my schedule. Because I work from home, I didn't prepare my normal smoothie for breakfast or juice for lunch.  So late morning needless to say I was starving.  So on the break I went to the snackshop and picked up my favorite snack (Gardetto's special request rye chips) which in my first thought wasn't too bad of a snack (it wasn't chips or cookies).   When I got back up to my meeting, I looked at another person who also skinny challenged (nice way to say fat), and her desk and snack was the exact same as mine.  Right then it dawned on me.  Why the heck did I chose that option? Why the heck didn't I chose something better for myself, instead I chose something that was good too me not good for me.  This is the mind of a fat girl.  I didn't plan accordingly and as soon as I got outside my routine I went buck wild! I gotta make better choices, I use every opportunity I can to eat outside of what I should be eating. So I put the rye chips down and said no more madness.  I looked at all the small people in the meeting and they didn't have a snack like mine, there was an apple, a cheese slice, nothing like my rye chips.  I gotta do better, I have to start thinking like a small person if I ever want to be a small person.

I have to be accountable for myself, my actions and choices.  If I don't do right, how am I going to expect great results. Please! So while this is a rough jouney day by day I am learning more and more, and although the pounds are dropping off my mind is getting stronger.

Saying Goodbye!

More than a conqueror!

So this week has been full of up and downs, I felt like I was riding on a roller coaster.  Usually I am pretty level grounded, I know what I want and usually I have my mind made up to achieve it and when I don't achieve I know why and can usually make some kind of peace of sense of it.  So why has this week been so different?!?! All week, I've been praying, reading, studying and on the flip side I've been obsessing, doubting and trying to wrap my mind on my shortcomings.  Talk about an oxymoron.  Every day this week something seemed to be revealed to me. Then as I read Friday's daily word which was discussing building up your faith it had started to dawn on me.  There was this one statement that spoke to me like a revelation.."To be a conqueror means to fight a battle and win..to be more than a conqueror means to win a battle without even fighting".  Isn't that something!?Then today's sermon hit even more close to home. Pastor spoke on "strongholds"...he defined it as something that holds you captive, a mindset that things don't change. He went on to talk about how we think we have control over things and wonder why they don't work out.  It all started to make sense, although it sounds like something really simple it was quite profound for me and where I am.   I am holding myself back.  I am trying to fight a battle that's not meant for me to fight, I hadn't released it all to God! Why am I trying to fight this battle when I can release it all to him?!?!?

It's strange how  the flesh mindset works, how if I am at work and get into situation that is "outside of my pay level" (so I call it), how easy it is  and how quickly I escalate the issue to my manager.  But in my personal life I have these issues (baby and weight), issues that are "outside of my pay level", so why am I not escalating them up to the ONLY one who can take care of them? huh? Makes no sense. 

So I am giving it all to God.  Now don't get me wrong or confuse me here.  There are some issues with my weight that I can control, but when I've done all I can do and still don't get the satisfaction I want that's when I am give it all to God.  I'm too hard on myself, creating problems for myself that are beyond my control. Stressing...what's that all about? And as for the baby....I'm giving that all to God as well, along everything else that comes along with it (bills, stress, debt, pain, disappointments).  I'm tired of fighting and that's because this battle is not mine to be fighting, I'm standing on God's promises and today I am more than a conqueror...I'll win the battle without even fighting!

Just Not Feeling It!

Man today is definitely one of those days.  I just aint feeling it.  Went to work out today and I gave it all of 50% (that might even be a stretch). I'm just tired...tired of thinking about weight loss, tired of obsessing over it. I don't want to calculate caloric intake, track calories burned, worry about what I'm eating....NOTHING! I just don't feel it. I'm tired of this topic consuming my life, my thoughts and my actions. If I'm not thinking about weight loss, I'm thinking about getting pregnant. I NEED A VACATION from my thoughts! HELP!!!  There is a difference in striving for more and being obsessed and I'm definitely obsessed and tired of being that way.  Ultimately, I just want to be healthy.  Why is it so da$# hard!?!

Gotta get it together........

Dealing with dissapointment in IVF

So for the most part I've gotten over the fact that we didn't get pregnant.  Now we are at the stage on what to do next. When we had a post consult with the doc., he informed us that we would go through a series of blood testing to see if anything came up with the reason we lost our embryos (such as genetic factor, killer antibodies cells, etc.). Well my blood work is back and nothing came from it, well nothing that contributed to the miscarriage (so they called it).  How frustrating is that? So now we decide to use our last embryo and pray for the best. It is so scary. I have so many mixed feelings. I mean I really, really want a baby, however I don't want to make any unreasonable financial decisions.   But the money that is going into this is scary, plus this is money that we don't really have.  This has really been a test of faith.  Even though I am scared and anxious.  I don't understand fully, but I am trusting God.

The more days go by the more I understand that this is not really about my infertility issues.  This is about my faith.  I need to learn to trust God through all my decisions, through every facet of life.  I have learn to be ok with what I can't control and trust that God will deliver on His promises.  So while I am not 100% there, I am praying and believing and learning more and more to trust God.  Thank You for this revelation. 

To Weigh in or Not to Weigh in!

So last Friday I got on the scale....my oh my oh my.  I was back up! Da%$mit! So so so so mad.  I mean what was I doing wrong?  I'd hadn't slacked off in my workouts, I hadn't slacked off with my eating so where did I go wrong?  I mean...I didn't expect to lose but to gain? Really forreal? Talk about discouraging.  I was crushed, didn't know what to do, I'm making all these lifestyle changes and not getting the results I want to get.  I then realized, that I had become addicted to the scale and more obsessed with weight loss than I'd been in the past (I've always been a little obsessed with weight loss). Why am I losing it like this?  Why am I weighing in 500 times a day?  Totally ridiculous!

So where do I go from here? Well I know I need to weigh in less, now what that looks like I don't know.  During my friends weight loss journey at some point she stopped weighing in so frequently. I need to figure something out, because I can't lose my head in this thing and when I saw the scale go back up, I almost lost my head. I'm going to plan a weigh in schedule an only weigh in on those dates, I am going to pack up my scale and make it inconvenient to get to so I won't want to weigh in every 5 mins.

Man, I tell you....this game is not a fun one at all!

Backup Plan

Today we had our first offical snow day.  Now it didn't snow bad but it was bitterly cold outside, which made me not really wanna get out and get to my boxing class, plus my workout buddy worked from home today and didn't plan on driving that far to go to Title, so my motivation was even lower to go.  In the past I would have chalked this up as a rest day. But today something in me was different today.  I started to lay down and flip through channels  and chill out, but all of a sudden I had the urge to get up and do something.  If my treadmill was there I would have just gone and ran which would have been an easy out (not the workout, just the availability). So I had to do something, I was determined to get some kind of workout in.  Thank God for On Demand! I ended up doing a 60 min cardio workout that was really challenging (mountain climbers, superman, bear crawls, boxing) and I ended up doing a 10 min ab workout. 

You have to have a backup plan and you have to be able to be flexible, which is so hard for me.  I am a classic routine person, and when I get out of my routine sometimes I don't know how to act. I usually chose the easy out which is doing nothing and resting and being lazy.  So day by day I am learning, growing and getting stronger.  The devil is a lie...I am standing on His promise!

Stop the Madness!?!!

So yesterday I had a true fatt girl moment.  I was on the way into the office and heard on the radio that McDonalds has their Sausage McGriddle for $1, then I get into the office and two separate managers brought in Lamar's and Krispy Creme donuts. See the fatt girl in me was thinking...dang why is it when I try to be good I always have temptations to be so bad. Wouldn't that be the perfect world without temptations? hahahah! I sooooo wish.

Well it got me to thinking, temptations, temptations, it's what makes or breaks us. I won't let temptations get in my way of my success.  So I said, heck no to that donut and I even temp to get one of those oohhweey delicious sweet sausage McGriddles (hahahaha...fatt girl description). It's just like a a budget, I will plan and schedule when I can splurge in order to stay out of debt.  It's about getting your head right and in the game and once I completely accomplish this I will achieve the overall success and reach my weight loss goals.

Detox Over

So the detox is over.  I did it for 4.5 days....after the detox I weighed in at 257.4 which is a whooping 7 lbs, however I weighed in this morning and I am up to 259 so I lost about 5 lbs.  Am I sad about it?  Heck YEAH! I can't lie to myself even though I know the rules you still never wanna see the scale go back up.  The first rule is why the heck do I weigh in everyday....even though I know I shouldn't.  Second rule of the detox is you will gain some of the weight back because you were on a liquid diet, so some of that is just water weight.  However when I went back into eating foods again, I could have been better and that's where the sadness and disappointment comes from.  I want a perfect diet...why can't I do it? Why do I have all these unrealistic expectations for myself or is it really unrealistic? IDK...I'm so confused. 

Why is weight loss so dang hard? I mean it's probably the hardest thing I've tried to accomplish and heck not toot my own horn but I've accomplished some pretty amazing things (toot...toot)! Can't get this weight loss thing together.  But I am not giving up, I won't be defeated no matter how long it takes.  I am not letting anything get in the way this time (anything is usually myself).

So this week I'm still eating right.....and I have to remember that weekends count too.  That's when I jeopardize myself. I might allow myself a free meal on the weekends or a free day, because when I try to be perfect I fail.  So I need to have some flexibility in order to succeed. 

Just one of them days!?!?

Have you ever had one of those "why" days? You know, one of days where you question the things that are beyond your control, things you can't change, or things that you can change that you haven't.  Well today is one of those days for me, I don't have these days to often, because I can't allow myself to have pity or feel sorry for myself, besides like my husband always says "I'm much to blessed, to focus on the "why's and why nots". I hate when he's right but he is and that's why I don't allow myself to have too many of these days.  But today is just one of those days.  I just feel sad today for many reasons. Firstly, my IVF buddy confirmed that her twins didn't make it. It just so sad....somehow a small part of me was living through her, so I feel her pain in more ways than one. Not only am I super sad for her lost, I want to believe in a miracle.  I know I have to have faith, and I do but someday’s are  just flat out hard.  That's where the why comes in...WHY can't I get prego like normal people, why didn't my first round of IVF work? Will I ever have my baby? I know.....I know....I will...but like I said it's one of those days?!

Secondly, I'm tired of being fat and I know what's needed to not be fat but again...dang it's so hard. Again here comes the why......WHY don't I have better genes, eating habits, or a healthier lifestyle?  Why do I have to work so hard to be thin...heck I'll even take slightly overweight.  Yep, it's just one of those days. So how do I deal with these days, the only way I know how....PRAYER and FAITH.  I have to believe that with God all things are possible.  I have to pray when I feel weak, and today I feel weak. I have to dig back in the deep spot and have that Faith in the unknown and unseen that God will stand on his promise. I also have to listen to my hubby who always turns the bad situations into a positive one.  If I asked him my "why questions", he would come back with something totally opposite for instance:

• Why can't I get prego normally, and he would probably say "why would you want to be normal, special people aren't regular normal people"
• Why do I have to work so hard to lose weight, and he would say "anything worth having is worth working for"

So I'm giving myself the evening to get out of my funk, because I am so blessed and although there are things I don't have there are so many more things that I do!

Day 3 of Juice Detox!

So far so good, which I can't believe I am saying this.  I didn't set a day limit for this juice detox (afraid of failing), because I didn't want to set myself up.  But today is the third day and food wise it's been pretty good, now workout wise has been really tough. I've been doing it but it's harder than it has been.  It like it takes months to get in shape but only a few weeks to get out of shape.  I hope my title boxing gets back up to speed soon, because yesterday I felt so defeated, every exercise seemed 10x harder than before. Today I am going running (I hope)....so..so...scared of where I am.  I am starting over on the C25K, I've only completed up until week 6 so I am hoping to start fresh and complete the entire 9 weeks.

 Here's what I've been eating so far:

Smoothie in the AM consists of: frozen non sweetened berries, banana, fresh squeezed orange juice, nonfat plain Greek yogurt (this is so good, it's almost sinful)

Juice for lunch and dinner: consists of romaine lettuce, spinach, zucchini, cucumber, celery, carrots, tomato, orange, apple (green and gala) and a pear

Snack: I eat almonds for a snack to boost up my protein.

I would really like to make it through the weekend and start practical next week. We shall see!

The ups and downs of IVF

While I was going through my IVF process, I met two of the most inspiring women that were going through IVF during the same cycle.  We met at one of our many millions of doctor’s appointments, and started to build a support group. What I didn't realize is how much these women would be my inspiration and how fond I would become of them. Both of them got pregnant during the first round of IVF, which initially was motivation when I didn't get pregnant. However these women felt my pain even though they got the best news they were looking for, they were checking up for me and praying for me and felt the pain I felt,  and while I was saddened by my results I was overjoyed by theirs.  There are so many things that can happen during early pregnancy, and in many situations these things occur naturally and the mother would never know because they don’t find out until 6 or 8 weeks,  but because you are undergoing IVF, you typically test early (10 days after transfer) and often so the doctors can have more hands on along the way.  One of my IVF buddies is now going through the dreaded phase of ups and downs. Her HCG wasn't rising as it was supposed to and in her first ultrasound, the doctor’s thought she would eventually have an unviable pregnancy.  However on her second ultrasound her babies (twins) were growing.  Although she wasn't out of the risk zone, things were looking up and there was still hope.  Yesterday she got a call to say her HCG numbers were dropping. Today she goes for an ultrasound.  I am so scared for her and yet still hopeful.

See every since I got my BFN (big fat negative), I've experienced happiness and peace, the kind I didn't think I was going to be able to have once I didn't get pregnant.  When I first heard the news, I thought I was going to be one of those people who couldn’t look at a baby without breaking out in a dramatic cry or maybe be bitter and jealous about people who are pregnant, I don’t know…but I knew it wouldn’t be good.   But God got my out of that dump, because he knows that's not my character and that I would never want to be that way.  If God can pull me up and out of the dumps, then I know he can save my friends’ pregnancy, and if he doesn't save her pregnancy, he can give her the peace that she will need to move on to the next phase in life.

It's hard though, I won't lie...I have to keep trusting and believing and when things look down and things look a little harder, I have to go deep, trust a little harder and believe a little more. I pray for my friends as this is one milestone that I never thought I'd be at, but learning to take the blessings of all situations, which is such a rewarding feeling.

Day 1-Getting it together

So I did it.....weighed in this morning and surprisingly I am back to my highest weight of my life. 264.4 (highest 4 years ago at 265) WTF!  I was here before then decided I would do something about it.  I lost about 30 lbs.  Now it's time to do something about it for good.  I'm amped up and motivated no need to discuss or reflect how I got back here, just need to move forward.  Now I know I said I wasn't going to do anything drastic but this week I feel like I need a jump start, a weight loss boost.  So I am going to do a juice detox for a few days (until I can't stand it anymore). I want to release the toxins and get my body back to the levels it needs to be then next I am starting with my simplistic routine. I am ready

It's 2012, a new start.

Well as a new year starts, it's time for me to start my new year’s goals and every year one goal never gets achieved and that goal is.....WEIGHT LOSS! I decided to start a blog about my journey to my weight loss and my journey as well as my journey to getting pregnant.  Reading blogs have always motivated me, so I thought it was time for me to write my story instead of just reading them, who knows maybe I can be an inspiration to someone, as so many people have been to me.

Here's some background history:

Weight:

I am 30 years old and have struggled with obesity pretty much all my adult life.  I started gaining weight late in college (maybe my junior year).  It's a typical story, worked two jobs while in school which lead to terrible eating habits and poor exercise routines.  I've been on this journey for a while. Losing some weight here and there but never achieving my true weight loss goals.  I've tried about a million types of diets and workout routines.  I don't really have an issue working out, I attend title boxing anywhere from 3-4 days a week and used to run about 3 days a week (slacked off but getting back on track now). So what's the real problem...well it's my eating.  I don't have terrible habits but I don't have great ones.  I don't eat often enough (maybe twice a day) and when I do eat I don't always chose the healthiest options...so maybe I do have terrible eating habits. 

Conception:

I have been married for three years now and about 5 years ago I was told diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Sydrome) which would make it hard for me to conceive naturally.  I’ve been with my husband for 8 years and was only on birth control for 2 of those years so I knew some kind of issue existed, however because we weren’t really ready to have kids we just put off looking into for a while. Then a couple of years ago, I also found out that in addition to my female issues we also have male issues as well, therefore our chances for conceiving naturally would be about 5%.  So in October 2011 we started with our first round of IVF (Invitro Fertilization).  In December of 2011 we found out we were not pregnant.  Devastated we were but, we truly believe that God will make this happen for us.

So given that information, these two journeys’ I believe are solely faith based journeys because they are out of my hands.  I know people would beg to differ that the weight loss can be controlled by me; however I don't see it that way.  I've tried and struggled and have had too many failed efforts, thus this had led me to conclude that I need to trust in God, because He said He will give me the desires of my heart and when I can't do it on my own , I need to be led by faith.

So I am starting this year off like most people, making goals for myself:

1. Lose weight! Plain and simple....I've made goals in the past requiring pounds lost and non-scale victories.  This is something I will not do this year.  I plan to tackle this goal in the most simplistic form. Eating right and working out. So here is what I am thinking:

• Reduce eating out to once a week-no fast food at all
• Eat a fruit or veggie with every meal
• Eat at least two snacks a day (only fruit or veggie)
• Attend Title boxing 3-4 times a week
• Run 3-4 times a week (start C25K over and fully run my first 5K)

2. Work towards getting pregnant. In order to do this I need to do the following:

• Pay off all bills associated with last round of IVF
• I have one frozen embryo so be proactive about starting the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer)
• Plan for another round of IVF (if the FET doesn’t work)

3. Prayer/Christianity walk.  I want to increase my praying and continue to build a strong relationship with God.  I plan to do the following:

• Pray at least twice a day
• Read at least one bible verse a day and study everyday
• Increase my ministry work and involve myself in other church activities besides choir

4. Build/Retain closer family relationships/friendships. The older I get the more important family relationships and friendships become to me.  I have a pretty small family with complex background issues (which I'm sure is pretty average) and I am distant with so many family members and friends.  I plan do the following to build better relationships:

• Call my close family members at least once every other week. (My grandma and father)
• Attend more family gatherings
• Host more family gatherings

Last year a couple of my friends and I looked into our goals quarterly, we started out strong but fell off towards the end, I plan to review my goals quarterly to track for progress.

So let’s get started in 2012! Every year I make a motto, this year’s motto is “Cashing it in, standing on His Promise”!